Olanzapine and $5 foot longs

Lett myself run out of olanzapine.  So it’s 1 am in the morning and can’t sleep. Doubled  up on the seroquel, gabopentin and clonazapham.  Not helping.  I planned on skipping out of work and heading to CVS to pick it up.  Wasn’t able to.  James tagged me to watch the team.  Since  pining for a management position, I sucked it up and stayed till 11:50.  I even skipped lunch.

Pretty sure that Tanisha called me a “house nigger” and then backed up on who she was referring to when I probed deeper.  One day playing boss and I’m called a house nigger.  Nice.  We had a stupid contest if you get 11 clicks you get $5.  The ones that stayed until eleven all hit that.  It’s amazing how hard people will work for an extra 5 dollars.  They started singing five dollar foot long.  Had to shut them down or at least get them under control.   Didn’t want Carolyn coming over and hushing us.  Would not help the cause.

Texted  Connie for like 3 hours yesterday.  Serious get to know you session.  She asked why I didn’t live in PA with Nathan.  I asked her why she never had kids.  Feels like we are really clicking.  Similar sense of humor..kinda like the same music.  Of course, there’s the history.  Didn’t even joke about the sex thing.  Might  just end up with a good friend out of this.   Not sure exactly what the expectations are for this.  Pretty sure that  she is treating this like a platonic affair, if there is such a thing.  Yeah, that’s a good label for it platonic affair.

Is moving back to Texas, in the cards?  Will a management position be offered with the crazy hospitalizations and Baker Acts history?

Been to the gym 3 or 4 times.  Might actually follow through with this.  What the hell else to do with the free time.   Would love to be around 200 lbs and meet up with Connie.

Nathan hurt my feelings last night.  Told me that he couldn’t talk because he was watching a movie with David and Savanna. Not sure what was said but he started apologizing to me profusely.  Told him that it was ok and to enjoy the time with his brother and sister.

Gambling and the Gym Rat

I had my 18th ECT this morning.  The ECTs are scrambling my brain a bit.  I was pulled into Zerlinda’s office the other day because my dials were low.  I basically told her to back the truck up, I told here weeks ago that my brain was getting zapped.  It bought me some time.  I don’t know if I’m going to be trusted with a management job.  The best I can do is go to work and try to focus and not make any serious mistakes.

I sent Nathan $20 this afternoon.  He’ll probably protest, but I have to have a way to take care of him. He’ll probably never know how much I’ve spent on child support but hey the world isn’t fair.

Having the urge to play poker again.  Lost $400 last weekend so I have to figure out a diversion.  I’m going to try the gym rat thing.  Get the urge head to the gym. Man I really want to go to the Hard Rock.

Pink Bunnies and the Dark Web

Well I reconnected with Connie.  The first night was interesting.  It started off with a text saying “perrywinkle”, so I knew immediately that it was her. Then we texted for a couple of hours.  She is an emergency medical dispatcher.  It stresses her out and gave her an ulcer.  Been doing it for 17 years.  I always assumed that she would end up a bartender. She didn’t want to talk on the phone at first.  She texted me around 11 drunk and eventually we talked on the phone.  I can’t remember the exact context but she said that she would be poison to me.    Not sure if it was the alcohol, but I did get the vibe that she was holding a flame for me.  Asked if I looked her up because I was single.  Told her absolutely not  We didn’t get into the sex thing so I decided that would be for conversation number 2

I sent her a pink bunny because of the stupid poems we made up in homemaking class.  She kind freaked.  Told me that her husband, Tony was very defensive about her and there marriage and that there would be no more phone calls and not to send her any more gifts.  I told her it was an innocent gift.  I mean it’s a pink bunny.  Well there is the double entendre that we fucked like bunnies during the summer of 91.

Since she was skiddish about talking on the phone I had to tell her that I was glad that she was my first and that she would have a special place in my heart via text.   I was glad that I was finally able to do it but via text was not the way that I imagined it would be.

Anyways, I’m glad that I found her.  I mean looking someone up for over 25 years is perseverance.

Nathan supposedly called me Monday but the phone never rang.  He was also supposed to call last night but never had a ring.  I have to figure out what the hell I”m going to do to see him.  I like the halfway house thing.  Almost no responsibility, which is what I really need.  I may rent a room at the extended stay thing so I can see him.

I failed miserably with the not gambling.  I went to the Hard Rock Saturday and Sunday.  Lost $400 and had to pawn my tv again.  I have to get this under control.  I just get the urge to do it.  I don’t understand it.  I may be an adrenaline junkie and not realize it.  I have come to terms with if I don’t stop gambling I’m going to end up dead.  Period.    Simple as that.  No wiggle room.

Nancy is calling me every night between 1 am and 2 am.  I keep telling her that I don’t keep crazy hours anymore, but that doesn’t help.  She sends me a lot of texts, mostly about which family member is trying to hit Gary up for money.  I have to send him some cash this weekend.

I have got to start getting my weekly ECTS.  I’ve missed probably 11 appointments in the past month.  They seem to be a godsend if I can get over the gambling.

I finally joined a healthclub.  I figure I have to do something with my free time to avoid the casinos.  I really want to get as buff as I can.  I want to attract a better class of woman than what my scrawny no car ass can attract right now.

Anxiety Attack and the Drill Team

I had a hell of an anxiety attack today.  As I mentioned earlier, I tracked down (stalked?) my first girlfriend and sent her a card with my contact information.  I also went on Facebook  and left a message with here best friend in high school named Dawn.  Dawn contacted me yesterday saying that she would be happy to let Connie know that I was looking for her.  I told her that I would appreciate that and told her I am in Tampa so this isn’t a stalker thing.  I then asked how she’s been, made a joke about 90’s Texas big hair and a brief overview of what I’ve been doing for the past 25 years

I mailed the card to Connie last Thursday.  She should have reached it by now.  If not I’m sure that Dawn sent here a text that I was trying to reconnect.  Today, I didn’t hear from Dawn or Connie.  For some reason, it put me in a white knuckle anxiety attack at work.  I had to take extra breaks at work because I didn’t want any of my new coworkers to see the anxiety, bipolar part of my personality.

It’s just that finding Connie is something that I’ve worked off and on on for the past 20 years.  It never occurred to me to brace myself for the possibility (probably) that she would want nothing to do with me.   Giving Dawn the brief bio and asking how she was doing was a dry run on contacting almost a perfect stranger at this point. I hate to say it, but I’ve obsessed about this.  I only get one chance..I probably shouldn’t have said this wasn’t a stalker thing, because saying that sounds like something a stalker would say.

I’ve contacted her ex best friend.  Called the phone numbers that I could find and sent emails to dead email accounts and sent her a card to the most probable address that I could find.

The ball is completely in her court.  I can’t attempt another contact.  The Carrie Syndrome will never rear it’s ugly head again.  Damned if it doesn’t feel that part of my life is over.  I kinda had a fantasy that it would be like the Pearl Jam song ” Elderly Woman Sitting Behind a Counter in a Small Town”.  I’m regretting trying to contact her with the way that my life is.  The next few days will tell if I’m an idiot or a determined individual.

For Those Long Forgotten

Well, I got through hurricane Irma without losing power.  I did get bored and tried looking up an ex-girlfriend.  In fact, my first girlfriend.  Maybe my first attempt at friends with benefits.  Unfortunately she didn’t see it that way.  I pretty much was a douche.  Over the years, I’ve tried finding her on the internet.  Something like once every 5 years or so I’d get on the web and try to get an email address or number.   Never found her.  Anyways…with Irma hitting Tampa, I was off work and everything was closed so I spent like 10 hours on my laptop trying to find her.  Hey I was bored not stalkish.  So I found 3 email addresses that didn’t work.  I found two additional last names for here.  I finally found her current address on three different sites having the  same address.  So I sent her a card saying high and asking her to contact me.  I was very vague about our type of relationship.  I mean it’s been a quarter century. She may not remember me, but I doubt that.  We were tight for like 2 years.

Anyways, back to the card.  I spend an hour on the computer trying to come up with the verbiage I wanted to use.  I wanted to come off as friendly but not give a stalker vibe.  I mean this is kind of a stalker thing to do.  She lives in Texas and I’m in Florida so it’s not like I’m trying to rekindle a lost love.  I basically want to speak to someone I had a real connection with (I think, it could have been late teen hormones).  So after writing two different cards, I sent the one I thought was the most appropriate.

I sent it Wednesday.  The mail is picked up @ 7:30 pm so I’m thinking that she will get it Tuesday  or Wednesday.

I have no expectations.  I’m fairly certain that she is married and will just go ” What the fuck” and throw the correspondence away.  I’m nervous.  If she contacts me,she does. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t.  At least I tried.

Update on the Half Way House

Damn, came in last night to half way house and found out that I have a roommate.  Found out from some of the guys here that the new roommate was kicked out of his last half way house for stealing a loaf of bread.  There has to be a helluva lot more to the story than what he is telling. I have enough pharmaceuticals to kill a small elephant in my 2nd drawer.  I have to buy a lock box now.   If my pills were stolen, I would be screwed.  Somehow between hospital visits and prescriptions getting filled early, I have like 16 bottles of pills.I knew that I would end up with a roommate at some point, but I damn not real thrilled about it.

Living in a Halfway House

The list of life decisions and lack thereof that have landed my middle aged ass in a halfway house is long and crazy.  Here I am, living with half a dozen millennials suffering various chemical addictions.  I don’t feel the need to tell anyone why I’m here.  The fact that I’ve gambled myself out of 2 apartments, 3 cars and lost the family home in Texas, is not something that I want to share with people I’ve known for two weeks.

Besides, there seems to be some unwritten code among junkies.  Don’t ask and don’t tell.  No one has ever asked me why I am here.  Everyone’s personal demons are just that, personal.

This place is much nicer than I anticipated.  No fights.  No blaring music.  No assholes.  I did hear that someone overdosed on the couch a week before I arrived.  I have had my own room, for now at least.

15 ECTS and things are looking up but tired

I completed my 15th ECT yesterday.  From what I’m told, I am acting like a completely different person.  I guess that they are right.  I’m bathing and shaving everyday (I know that it sounds gross not bathing but when the depression is really kicking getting out of bed is a victory.)

I’m doing much better at most aspects of everyday living.  I’m one of the top performers at work.  In fact, not only have I not missed work in over a month, I’m working six days a week. I haven’t thought  about suicide for over a month.  I actually talked to my little boy for 30 minutes on the phone last night.  Normally I can’t keep him on the phone more than 5 minutes.

The downside is the ECTs are scrambling my thoughts the day of treatment and really messing with my sleep.  I have to get up at five am to go to the appointment, get back to my halfway house (the halfway house is a story for another time) around 9.  Cant’ get back to sleep I work 2 to 11 but have to take a one hour bus ride to work.  Because of  the shoddy mass transit here, I have to get to work an hour early or  I’ll be there 20 minutes late. I work Saturdays 10 am to 7 pm.  So between 4 hours a morning Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, two hours of commuting to work each day and  then  working 8 hours a day,  I have  70 hour  weeks.  It’s  taking a toll  but I  feel  so much more balanced

 

 

 

Dealing with A Minor Bipolar Episode

Another fun filled day with the bipolar.  Woke up two hours late.  The bus station wasn’t as bad as normal.  No one asked me for money or cigarettes. That was a pleasant change of pace.

Riding the bus, is a hard thing to do in Tampa.  This city’s mass transit is way lacking.  It takes me an hour and a half to go the four miles to work.  I miss my car. Well, I miss my cars.  I’ve had 3 in the last two years. Won two of them playing three card poker.

Easy come easy go.

No major panic attacks today.  That was a plus.  I had two much caffeine, I think.  I’ve been using the massive amount of caffeine that I take in to counteract the Seroquel and Klonopin, but I think that my bodies adjusted to the drugs over the years. Now it just makes me get a case of the ants in the pants as I’m told.

Didn’t steal much today, just one Mountain Dew from the break room.  That’s a start in the right direction.  The  thievery was getting a bit out  of hand.  One of my signs of  getting a bit manicy. It’s been a helluva lot worse in the past.

I’m looking forward to my appointment with the psych doc next week.  First time I’ve seen a psych doc outside of an inpatient  stint in, what two years.  I think I need the Seroquel dialed down and the Klonopin boosted up.  Pretty sure that the Zoloft is having a paradoxical effect.  I’ve been really depressed.  Not suicidal depressed but finding  no happiness in anything depressed.  I’m worthless at work.

Haven’t gambled in over a month.  That’s a start.  I do have the lifetime ban at the Hard Rock, but there’s still the horse and dog track.  I had a moment of wanting to go there this weekend but vegged out on the Xbox all weekend.